The Crisis Behind Sexless Relationships

Has sexless relationships ever crossed your mind while talking with friends or a therapist? Is your intimate life taking a back seat because you’re unsure how to bring it up? If it weren’t for movies, TV series, and on-screen portrayals of sex, many of us might have a more realistic understanding of what a healthy sex life looks like. Some people naturally find their rhythm and keep the beat, while for others, things have changed.

Sex is now a more open conversation than it was for the boomer generation. Today, discussions are shaped by millennial perspectives, challenging taboos that were often brushed aside in the ‘70s and ‘80s. That’s not to say people weren’t talking about sex back then—it just wasn’t as widely discussed or framed in the same way. Thanks, sex ed! So much for the birds and the bees.

The reality is that we might have benefited more from sex education that connected intimacy with relationships rather than reducing it to a purely physical or pornographic lens. Would we have a healthier outlook today if sex had been discussed differently? Especially now, when more couples are engaging in sex before or outside of marriage.

What is Sex?

By definition, sex refers to the biological and physiological characteristics (such as male and female) that distinguish living beings based on reproductive anatomy and genetics. In simple terms, boy meets girl, and they make a baby. The end.

Well, that sounds simple enough, but it’s a bit more complicated than that.

We must consider hormones, libido, attraction, and relationship dynamics. Sex is no longer just about creating life; it has evolved into a fundamental aspect of human connection — whether for intimacy, emotional bonding, or even lust. Like many things in life, there’s a balance. It’s through sex that we get to know ourselves and our partners, or maybe even enjoy a spontaneous late-night hookup.

In relationships, asking for what we truly want in the bedroom may feel more challenging than we realize — especially if those desires are stigmatised or fall outside the norm.

Regardless of your preferences, communication is key to maintaining intimacy.

The Thing About Sexless Relationships

 

What are sexless relationships and can they change? In one word, yes.

Whether you're experiencing a dry spell, a relationship spat, or some form of accidental celibacy, you're probably not alone. However, not many people are eager to openly discuss their sexless love life. After all, it's not always easy to talk about, and let’s face it — it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Plus, others might suspect there’s something wrong in your relationship, and who needs that kind of negativity?

So, how many times (or lack thereof) should sex happen in a year before it’s considered “sexless”? Some experts claim that a relationship is considered sexless if intercourse occurs less than 10 times a year. The problem is, these stats often focus solely on one type of intercourse, but we know that sex encompasses so much more than just that.

The difference between a dry spell and sexless relationships

The distinction between a sexless marriage, a dry spell, and a dead bedroom is largely a matter of wording – much like the difference between saying po-ta-to and pot-ah-too. Ultimately, all terms point to the same issue: a lack of sexual intimacy.

A sexless marriage represents married couples with little to no sexual activity. On the other hand, a dry spell typically describes a temporary period – ranging from weeks to months – where a person or couple experiences fewer intimate moments than they personally consider ‘adequate’.

However, a dry spell doesn’t necessarily indicate a long-term problem, it’s often seen as a natural part of a relationship’s rhythm rather than a persistent issue. Some couples prefer using the term ;dry spell’ over others, as it feels more socially acceptable, regardless of how long their sexual hiatus has lasted.

What to do if you’re caught in a sexless relationship or sexless marriage

Some of these tips experts recommend that you follow in order to maintain sanity within a sexless relationship or sexless marriage:

• • Think about how much you value sex?

Take some time to reflect on what sex means to you—whether by writing it down or discussing it with a friend or therapist. Don’t be too hard on yourself if your thoughts seem selfish or unconventional. There’s no right or wrong answer; what matters is understanding your emotions, desires, and what truly fulfills you.

Consider questions like: “How much am I willing to compromise when it comes to my sexual desires?” or “Is there an alternative relationship structure that better aligns with my needs?”

• • Talk to your significant other

There’s no way to predict how you or your partner will react when discussing the underlying issues of sex and frequency. The only way to find out is to talk about it. Sex experts recommend approaching the conversation with an open mind—think of it as a “we listen, we don’t judge” mindset. Both you and your partner should feel at ease and avoid a confrontational tone. Actively listen to each other’s perspectives, acknowledge their feelings, and express your own with honesty and respect.

• • Prioritise intimacy

For most allosexual individuals, being in a sexless relationship isn’t always realistic. Expert sex therapists explain that intimacy is about the closeness and connection people build over time. It fosters a sense of support, safety, and sexual closeness between partners. One way to reduce sexless nights is by rebuilding intimacy through small, meaningful gestures—such as date nights, weekend trips, affectionate touch, and quality time together.

• • Restructure your relationship 

If one partner is content with a sexless relationship while the other desires sex, exploring a consensual open relationship could be an option. However, all parties must genuinely be free to it – not out of pressure, fear of abandonment, or emotional distress.

It may not resolve existing issues, but if you’re considering changing the structure of your relationship, keep an open mind, communicate honestly, and thoroughly research your options before making a decision.

• • Seek a Couples Therapist

If worst comes to worst and issues run deeper than they seem, consider talking to a professional. In many sexless relationships, unresolved issues may be at play, and a couples therapist or sex therapist can help guide you and your partner in addressing them with a strategic approach.

The good news is that you don’t need to feel guilty about how often you think sex should happen. However, remember that it takes two to tango. Be ready to confront the topic at hand so that you’re both happy with the decision and outcome of the decision.

Final Thoughts

At the end of the day, sex and relationships are deeply personal experiences that grow over time. While societal norms and media have shaped our perceptions, real intimacy comes down to open communication, understanding, and mutual respect. Whether you’re navigating a dry spell, questioning your desires, or redefining what intimacy means to you, the key is communication. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but by fostering a realistic dialogue around sex, you’ll be able to enjoy a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

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